I'm learning a lot about myself, and none of it is good.

My mood is very easily influenced, especially by key people.

I fixate on things.

I am terribly, deeply insecure.

I am the worst kind of perfectionist. The lazy one. My laziness stems from a lack of confidence in myself so fundamental that I set myself up for failure to give myself something else to blame my failure on (procrastination, something circumstantial).

I have a disgusting fear of being irrelevant, of not being sought after. It makes me feel worthless. I'm embittered. I think I'm really special and have a lot to offer people, but nobody cares, so therefore I'm worthless. Who wants someone who makes no effort and is mediocre anyway?

And it's not like I'm fishing for compliments. Any compliments I do get look like lies to me.

I love myself a lot sometimes, I think I'm pretty cool, but I don't think anyone loves me to the extent that I can love someone, and I feel like I deserve it sometimes. And it's not fair.

Putting it all out like this makes me sound so stupid. I am stupid. I should just focus on how good it feels to do things for other people. That's a very nice feeling, even if it isn't reciprocated. Just bring happiness to others.

I just can't get over how empty and alone I feel though.

I said to the man I love the other day, "I am not going to reach out to someone who is OK watching me drown."

He said "I am not reaching out to someone who purposefully drowns themselves."

I don't want to drown. I told him.

"You sure try hard to."

Is that true? I feel like this because your inaction makes me feel unwanted. You insinuate that I could fix this for myself, that I'm digging my own hole. So I have the means to make you make me feel wanted again? How? How can I control your actions? That doesn't make any sense. What am I missing?

Am madsad.

I can't sleep because of this nausea I feel at the top of my stomach. I feel a hole in my chest where my heart is supposed to be and a lump in my throat. I feel like my insides are rotting.

You don't have time for me. You haven't thought to look for me. You don't miss me. And I cant make you. The realization hurts, it carves me hollow. Your life is full of things and you enjoy them one at a time, fill your minutes with them. Im trying to do the same, but its all an act. The world is darker, less vivid, when someone you love doesn't even think about you.

Oh, unless you can do them a favour. Then it's "thank you so much." I want to rip how much you mean to me out of my brain, I want to drain my blood of you, but the last living pocket of my heart still believes that you love me, that I'm overreacting, that this is normal. I'm not even being used. Ive been discarded and i wont admit it.

Whats even the point of admitting it? Then I'll really be alone, without any chance of getting what I want. I'll just wait here, and if you finally come for me, I will drink you like water in a desert, and never tell you how your silence hurt me.

You must know, after all these aeguments. You have to know how this ruins me, right? I just want you to understand and be sorry, to hate to see me sad, to want to make it right, but you won't. If you saw this, you would blame me for it. You would get defensive, you would say that I inhibit you with my foul mood.

Youre right, it is my fault. I let myself fall in love with you and thought my heart was safe with you. I'm rotting here waiting for you to love me, but nobody wants to love something rotten.


It's been so long. I want someone to talk to, just to talk. Maybe to talk and reassure me that I'm not crazy, that I'm not actually asking for too much from others. I want so desperately for people to find this "by accident" and know how I really feel, but I'm afraid of the consequences. Even if I straight up told him that I felt underappreciated, even if I revealed to him just how much his attention matters to me, it still wouldn't be enough. I've told him pretty much this before, and it hasn't changed anything, and if I were to tell him again, it still wouldn't measure up. I want him to discover it, I want it to dawn on him that I am the best he's ever had and ever will have, I want him to run to me in appreciation of it. That's unrealistic.
I make the mistake of thinking I know the best course of action and being dissappointed when it doesn't work out my way. Just because he doesn't do things the way I want him to doesnt mean he doesn't love me, right? So what happens when he loves me in a way that is unsatisfactory to me? Should I just learn to be satisfied with less? Do I want too much?
I really do remember a time when he did the things I wanted and said the things I wanted, or else I wouldn't have let him in. Is it wrong for me to expect him to still do this?
Prioritize me. Seek to appease me. Share your life with me. Ask to share my life with you. That's what I want. I want you to want me, want you to integrate me with your life.
I guess I don't intoxicate you anymore, my very being doesn't inspire and ignite you like it used to. I suppose I am to blame for that. I don't know what to do to bring that back though. If it's not possible, I think I'll ever be satisfied. I suppose all I have left to do is wait and see.

(no subject)

 I got a rather.. awkward picture message at 4am last night from a number not in my address book. It's in my city though.

I'm dying of curiosity and need to find out who this is. Tried calling them (took me to sprint voicemail), tried googling it (gotta pay for reverse phone lookup bs), tried searching facebook (no results). It will drive me crazy if I don't find out!

Any suggestions? What would you do if you got an x-rated picture message from a number you've never seen before?


Lots of questions:

Do you own a smartphone? Which one? Why do you like it? What carrier are you on?

real QWERTY or Virtual keyboard? 

Should I get a Touch Pro2 and put Android on it, or should I get a mytouch 3g slide?

Would you buy an iphone 3g with a cracked screen for 55$?
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious

I am a happy baby.

I love my life. Sure, I wish a few things were different, but all in all, I am so lucky and so happy to be exactly where I am.

I had a pretty great weekend, which included seeing people I haven't seen in years, going to the siren festival, and keeping people waiting for 2+ hours :(

Sunday was spent mostly lounging and playing pokemon - word, I'm going through pokemon red, and I'm gonna beat it. Finally. for the first time ever. I've been at it for like a week ? and I'm already almost up to the part I last stopped when I tried many, many years ago.

I'm feeling pretty efficient today at work - which is funny, because I'm super illegal livejournal posting instead of doing work - but the phones are slow and I've cleaned up my inbox a fair amount.

Need to get back into gongyo again, I feel like it's missing and I want to pray for my mom - she's overexerting herself because her best friend from Mexico and his son are staying over while they visit nyc; she's barely getting any sleep, and it's frustrating for me to see her walking around like a zombie all day and not doing anything about it.

I'm gonna cut myself a fringe. Tonight. I'ma try a blunt one and if I hate it I will make it side-swept, I think that's the best plan of attack. I know Sam hates blunt fringe, which is why I'm trying it now, so it'll grow out by november/december if I/we hate it.

oh yeah - I plan on going to London for my Christmas holiday. I'm pretty sure Sam is coming in November; he wants to come over for two weeks and I hate to say it, but I kinda want him to just be over for 1. Sigh, guilt.

I don't know what else to write, and I'm a little sad thinking about Sam, so I'ma stop this right here for now.

I'm totally connected y0.

Whatup. Posting from my blackberry. I feel like a dork though, cuz I'm at work sitting in front of a computer. I get paranoid though, so I'd rather not do things that aren't work on there.

I wrote this yesterday morning:

"Good morning,
It's hot as fuck here. Even in the hyper-air conditioned train, the amount of sticky people coming in from the humidity outside, bringing in and radiating the heat their bodies were charged with, negates any cooling measures.

I've been taught from somewhere that sweating is good for you, that you lose weight when you sweat. Don't necessarily know if this is true, but I hope so. I started working out last night, half hour on the "gazelle" I got off a neighbour who was moving. It was moderately fulfilling. I hope it does something noticeable soon.

The more I use my blackberry for diferent things, the more I like being able to do most anything on one device. I used to knock it when I had a regular phone, but I dig it now. I wanna buy my friend's original iphone - I know, I hate all day on apple, but if this guy can give me a iphone for 40$, why not? The more I use my blackberry, the more I notice blackberry's limitations. "

Still relevant. Hope you guys are alive.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

Life is so good.

I didn't do much this weekend: I helped mom fix the house up and hung up tons of artwork around our living room, helped my aunt buy a new computer to replace her broken one, talked to Sam only a little. Most importantly, though, I had a really good sunday with my mom, woke up early every day, and was relaxed. Today, I woke up early, got ready on my own time, and had a nice (kind of hot) trip to the office, and am feeling productive. I read on Lifehack somewhere about a "one-sentence journal". Where's the fun in that? Write scores of sentences! Write whole biographies every day! That's fun. Then when you look back at it you'll have a wealth of time-machine-like information to look back on.  I've always been bad at keeping journals and also have always been forgetful. That's not a very complementary pair of things to be.

I wanna make a lot of progress today on my project, I really do, so I'm going to stop this here.